By JULIA HOUGH
We grew up with the idea that the holidays are a joyous time when everyone is happy and nothing interferes with celebration. Then why so often at some point during the holiday season do the blues appear? And what can we do when they do?
The Myth of Perfection
A major reason for holiday angst is that most of us have such an ideal image of the season – even now in mid-life – that we expect perfection of ourselves. We must get just the right gifts, we must send out cards to a large list, and the celebrations themselves must fit some imagined ideal of conviviality and elegance.
When you are up against the holiday “shoulds,” the practice of centering yourself can soften the hard edge of self-criticism.
Here’s one way to do it:
Sit in a comfortable position with your feet on the floor and your hands on your thighs. Close your eyes and allow your shoulders to relax. Begin to notice your breath, letting your abdomen expand a little as you breathe in.
Notice what is happening in your mind. What’s happening in your body? What is your emotional state? Notice what is happening without judging or trying to change it. Simply notice.
Now deepen your breath, letting your abdomen expand fully; fill your lungs with air, then let your breath out slowly. Take one or more slow, deep breaths, then revert to your normal breathing. Take another few moments to think about your day and what you need to do next, visualizing doing it with ease.
Centering can help you become aware of what is important to you for the holidays, drawing you away from the critical voice that dictates what you should be doing.
In Yoga there is a Sanskrit term ahimsa, which can be translated as compassion. It’s about having compassion for yourself as well as others, and accepting exactly where you are in the moment. Be kind to yourself and accept your limits.
NURTURE YOURSELF
When you’re feeling good about yourself it’s fun to buy presents for others, but when you’re tired and cranky, it’s the last thing you want to do. You need to fill the well before you can give of yourself.
A wonderful way to replenish yourself is through restorative yoga – postures of support so you can relax and let go. Here are a few you can try at home:
Bound angle. You will need two pillows. Lie on the floor with a soft comforter or blanket beneath you. Bend your knees to bring the soles of your feet together. Support your knees with the pillows. Allow your back to relax into the floor. Your arms can be a little away from your torso, or you could place your hands on your belly. Let yourself relax in that position for five to ten minutes. When you are ready, slowly bring your knees together, roll over to one side, and relax on that side for a few moments before pressing yourself up to sitting or standing.
Legs up the wall. Spread the comforter or blanket by the wall, one edge flush with the wall. Sit beside the wall with your hip by the wall and your knees bent. Slowly swivel your back on the floor so it is at right angles to the wall and your legs are resting against the wall. You don’t have to be right up against the wall; in fact it’s more relaxing if your hips are a few inches away. Relax your back into the floor. You can position your arms a little distance from your torso, or bend your elbows and rest your hands on your belly. Move your head slowly side to side, and then let it loosen to the floor so that your neck relaxes. Stay that way for five to ten minutes. When you are ready to come out, bend your knees toward your chest. Rock your knees side to side and then roll over to one side or the other, making yourself comfortable there. Relax a few moments before you slowly come up to sitting position.
When you are in these restorative positions, allow yourself to feel the support of the floor, blanket, and pillows. Is there support available in your life that you haven’t acknowledged or used fully?
RELAXATION RESPONSE
Sometimes the holiday angst is simply stress resulting from having way too much to do. Even if you’ve quelled the desire to do everything perfectly, you still have to make time for attending holiday gatherings, buying gifts, and sending cards. Plus there’s the additional physical stress of staying up late and imbibing more than usual.
An effective way to counter stress is through the relaxation response, a term that Herbert Benson coined in the late 1960s. When he studied people practicing transcendental meditation, he found a lowering of their heart rate as well as their metabolic and breathing rate. With subsequent research he was able to distil the essential components for shifting from stress response to relaxation response.
Fortunately, you don’t need to fly to India or pay a guru for a mantra. Here is what you can do:
Sit comfortably, either cross-legged on the floor or in a chair with your feet on the floor and your hands on your thighs. Close your eyes and think of a word or phrase that is of special meaning to you. It could be peace, calm, health, or it could pertain to a certain pleasurable activity that you may be too busy for during this season. Begin to notice your breath as it enters and leaves your lungs. Then say the chosen word as you breathe out. Continue this for five to ten minutes – focusing on your breath and saying your word silently on the out breath. If you become distracted, bring your awareness back to your breath without judging yourself.
When you are ready, let go of the word and take a few more breaths before getting up and going about your day. Taking the time for meditation will help you become focused, and you will be able to get more done than you imagined. (For more on this method see The Relaxation Response, by Herbert Benson: Avon Books, updated and expanded in 2000.)
QUICK FIXES
There are days this time of year when you can’t imagine taking five or ten minutes for the relaxation response, let alone 20 minutes or so to do restoratives.
Fortunately there are some simple relaxation techniques you can incorporate into your day no matter how busy you are. They can be performed at odd moments during the day – just before getting up in the morning, standing in line at the post office, sitting in a restaurant while waiting for a client, walking a few blocks to the next event, or sitting in bus or subway.
Pay attention to your breath. Too often when we are under stress we breathe very shallowly. From time to time during the day notice your breath and bring more air into your lungs, slowly and smoothly.
Focus on the present moment. Buddhism teaches us mindfulness, which is being present to what is happening right now. Thinking about what we should have done drains energy, and thinking about all the things we need to do adds to our stress. It might help to focus on a word used in the relaxation response.
Stretch. Stress settles into our muscles, creating pain and muscular tension, which deepens our stress. When you are walking from place to place, enjoy the walk and swing your arms. Take a two-minute break at the office – stand up and stretch your arms overhead. As you breathe in, stretch your whole right side; breathing out, relax (but keep both arms overhead). Breathing in, stretch your whole left side; breathing out, relax. Go back and forth a few times and then stretch both sides equally.
Laugh. When you are struck by holiday angst call a friend who makes you laugh. If there’s a joke you enjoy, copy it and place it somewhere at home or work where you will see it daily. Dave Barry’s my man. I have his daily calendar so that as I start my day I can get in a good smile.
Self-massage. Bring your fingertips to the middle of your forehead and softly out to your hairline with a feather touch. Do that a few times, then gently massage your cheeks, behind your ears. After that, massage the sides of your neck down to your shoulders.
Even at this stage of life, the holidays hold out the promise of magic, of memorable times with family and close friends, of the sense of renewal as the previous year recedes. In order to savor the closeness that the holidays can provide, we need to give ourselves some time here and there to replenish our resources. You can be creative in how you use these relaxation techniques; choose the ones that work for you and use them as needed.
Julia Hough teaches therapeutic and restorative yoga at East/West Living in Manhattan and Yoga for Relaxation at Devotion Yoga in Hoboken. She can be reached at juliahough@optonline.net.
